laughs ...
If you want to find out how may of your Facebook friends are real friends, post an update that says you’re moving and you need help. The people that respond are your “real” friends.
No one came to my house to trick-or-treat. I think the moat might be scaring people away.
Congratulations to China. They now have the world’s fastest computer. Just imagine what they could do if their people were allowed on the Internet.
A couple got married at a state fair. It was so sweet, the bride was wearing something old, something new, something fried, and something dipped in chocolate.
Scientists say bedbugs are becoming resistant to pesticides. What is really impressive about them getting stronger is the fact that they accomplish this without even getting out of bed.
Researchers report that indoor heating makes us fat. They say cold air helps us stay thin, unless, of course, that blast of cold air you’ve been getting is from constantly opening the refrigerator door.
Two salesmen were traveling together on a country road when their car broke down.
They walked up to the farmhouse and instead of finding a farmer, found the farmer’s widow. Apparently, the farmer had died about a year ago. The widow woman said,
“Sure you can spend the night, but you’ll both have to sleep in the spare bedroom upstairs.” The two men said fine and went upstairs to bed. The next morning the widow fixed a big breakfast and the men left.
The men didn’t talk about that night until a couple of months later when one asked the other: “Did you sneak downstairs that night and visit the widow lady?”
“Yeah,” replied the other salesman.
“Did you, by any chance, tell her you were me?”
“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind.
“Not at all! I got a letter from her attorney today. It seems the widow lady died and left me her farm.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A minister recently announced there are 724 sins. Since then, he is being constantly asked for a list of those sins by people who think they’re missing out on something.
There was once an old man who averred
He had learned how to fly like a bird;
Cheered by thousands of people,
He leapt from the steeple-
This tomb states the date it occurred.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical
Aleutian.
Every Friday night, two elderly couples go out to dinner. The men sit in front of the car.
Roy says to Harold, “Where should we go tonight?”
Harold says, “How about that place we went to a month ago. The Italian place with the
great lasagna.”
Roy says,” I don’t remember it.”
Harold says, “The place with the veal.”
Roy says, “I don’t remember. What’s the name of the place?”
Harold can’t remember. “A flower. Gimme a flower.
“Tulip?” Roy says.
“No, no. A different flower.”
“Magnolia?”
“No, no. A basic flower.”
“Rose?”
“That’s it!” Harold turns to the back seat.
“Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?”
What's the fastest way to tune a banjo? With wire cutters.
I crossed a shark with a penguin and got an animal dressed to kill.
There was the pet shop owner who made a fortune. He kept teaching his parrots to say, "I miss my brother."
She: All you ever do is procrastinate. He: Oh, yeah, just wait.
I solved my problem of too many visiting relatives. I borrowed money from the rich ones and lent it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
I was in love with the girl down the street. I walked my dog in front of her house so often, her tree died.
Skiing is a sport where you spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg.
Hockey is a war in which people keep score.
It's real cold in Minnesota. The last summer they had there was on a Monday.
What's that on your leg?
It's a birthmark.
No kidding. How long have you had it?
Music helps set a romantic mood. Imagine her surprise when you say "We don't need a sound system--I have an accordion."
If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'd put shoes on my cat.
He: You're always wishing for something you don't have.
She: What else is there to wish for?
Repartee: What a person thinks of after he becomes a departee.
An amoeba, named Sam, and his brother
Were having a drink with each other;
In the midst of their quaffing,
They split themselves laughing,
And each of them now is a mother.
He: What do you love most about me, darling--my great body or my wit?
She: Your sense of humor, dear.
Television is an electric device which, when turned off, stimulates conversation.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
He promised her the sky, the moon, and the stars. On their honeymoon, he took her to the planetarium.
The last word in an argument is what a wife has. Anything a husband says after that is the beginning of another argument.
We were all great singers in our family. We had to be. There was no lock on the bathroom door.
Humor is just another defense against the universe. -- Mel Brooks
She: Will you join me in a bowl of soup? He: Is there enough room for the both of us?
The terrible thing about middle age is that you'll outgrow it!
Last Halloween I really scared my brother. I went over to his house dressed as a job.
Nowadays the real hero in a movie is the one who sits through it.
She: You're so involved with golf, you don't even remember the day we got married.
He: Sure I do. I was the afternoon after I sank a forty-foot putt.
What kind of a nut has some of its inside on the outside? A doughnut.
A woman didn't know her husband was a drunk until one night he came home sober.
A politician never burdens anyone with his troubles. Half the people aren't the least bit interested, and the rest are delighted that he's getting what they think is coming to him.
Beware the doctors of Spin
Who say what’s out and what’s in
They manipulate the news
And mould your views
Surely that is the Original Sin.
Humpty Dumpty was a fall guy. Mother Goose is a fowl storyteller.
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
The seaside resort was so dull that one day the tide went out and never came back.
What is a home without children? Quiet.
My wife's arms are getting shorter. I know they're getting shorter because when we were first married, she could reach around me.
I never get lost, I just change where it is that I want to go.
Airport security confiscated my Bengay. They accused me of packing heat.
It would've made our lives easier if the pioneers had located cities closer to the airports.
Airplanes are mass transit now, sort of skyborne Greyhound buses, but with longer lines for the bathroom and fewer chances of survival in a wreck.
I thought my group insurance plan was great until I found out that I couldn't collect unless the whole group is sick.
I'm so unlucky that if I died and got reincarnated, I'd probably come back as myself.
There was a young man from Darjeeling,
Who got on a bus bound for Ealing;
It said at the door:
“Don’t spit on the floor,”
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.
I met this drop-dead gorgeous woman at a party. I said: "You're gorgeous."
She said: "Drop dead."
What's the basic problem with being inhibited? You're all tied up in nots.
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, they're alot less than the penalty for murder.
Most New Year's resolutions go in one year and out the other.
The worst mistake a butler can make is to murder his employer. It makes it harder to get references.
He: Since I met you I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't drink.
She: Why not?
He: I'm broke.
Old age is when you don't buy the swimsuit issue of "Sports Illustrated" because there are fewer articles to read.
It's easy for a dermatologist to build his practice; he just starts from scratch.
He: May I have your hand in marriage?
She: What?
He: May I change your name to mine?
She: Pardon?
He: You don't seem to understand. I want you to be the mother of my children.
She: Goodness. How many have you got?
They said that it would never fall
It was concrete, rigid and tall
The people said “Enough!”
And showed they were tough
By knocking down the old Berlin Wall.
I once sang in front of the King of Sweden. At least I think I did. He said, "If you're a singer, then I'm the King of Sweden.
I got a pair of water-skis for my birthday. All I need now is a lake with a slope.
My uncle suffers from a handicap. He's extremely hard of spending.
Don't call me stupid! I've got more brains in my little finger than I've got in my whole head.
A mermaid is a deep she fish.
I suspected my marrige was in trouble from the first day. Her parents sent me a thank you note.
My parents spent ten years trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.
You're in trouble when your junk mail arrives postage due.
You're in trouble when you get a letter from a magazine sweepstakes telling you that you may owe them a million dollars.
I see on the internet that someone ate six dozen pancakes.
Oh, how waffle!
He: Is it really bad luck to have a cat walk behind you?
She: I think it all depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
Anybody who believes in astronomy was probably born under the wrong star.
The quickest way to make your anti-freeze is to hide her nightie.
The last time I went to the beach, I held my stomach in so much I threw out my back.
A caveman named Agar Ageel
Cried out with historical zeal:
“I’m the first man alive
Who can go for a drive
Because I’ve invented the wheel.”
A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence--it protects the property without obstructing any of the view.
Granpa isn't old...he's just born before a lot of other people.
My wife makes the budget work. We go without a lot of things I don't need.
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
An alarm clock is a small device used to wake up people who have no children.
It was a two-story house--the real estate agent told him one story before he bought, and another one afterword.
Two women were discussing reincarnation. One asked the other if her husband believed in it. The second woman said, "Does my husband believe in life after death? My husband doesn't even believe in life after dinner."
Being an agnostic isn't safe; someone burned a question mark on my lawn.
Silence is good, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.
Abstract art gives beautiful meaning to the word "ugly."
The neighbors think the baby is spoiled, but I told them all babies smell like that.
Maine has two seasons: winter and the Fourth of July.
The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars' worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk.
A painter who came from Great Britain
Hailed a lady who sat with her knitain.
He remarked with a sigh,
“That park bench—well, I
Just painted it, right where you’re sitain.”
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
The most serious charge which can be brought against New England is not
Puritanism, but February.
What an accident! I had the right of way but the other guy had the truck.
I called my landlord and said my apartment had terrible acoustics, and he said that he caught them all long before I moved in.
He: I spent three years in college taking medicine.
She: Are you well now?
Cold baths are more enjoyable when taken with hot water.
The persons hardest to convince they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.
My neighbor's furniture goes back to Louis XIV, while mine goes back to Sears on the 15th.
Gambling away the rent money is a moving experience.
In California, spring is when the swallows return to Capistrano.
In the Midwest, it's spring when the feeling returns to your feet.
Spring is a nice time of year. It's when "damn" and "snow" become two separate words again.
Every year in fall many things in nature turn to pretty orange, yellow, red, and brown.
I have things in my refrigerator that do that every month.
I withdrew my life savings from the bank. The teller asked, "How would you like that? Heads or tails?"
Count Dracula said to his pal:
“Say, Frank, what you need is a gal,
And I know a young dear
Who’s been dead for a year
So she’ll surely improve your morale.”
He: I've been trying to think of a word for weeks and weeks.
She: Won't "months" do?
Women are more irritable than men, probably because men are more irritating.
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
"What happened to that cowboy who began hearing voices in the middle of the cattle drive?"
"He was deranged."
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
"Tough luck," said the egg in the monastery. "Out of the frying pan into the friar."
Don't be superstitious. It's bad luck.
A compulsive liar named Jones
Used to sell cheap cellular phones
But once he was gone
You couldn’t turn it on
The ones he was selling were clones…
This guy is so cheap he sends one Christmas card out each year--in the form of a chain letter.
My wife took the money we were saving for a new car and blew it on a movie.
She sure can keep a secret. We were engaged for months before I knew it.
I started out with nothing and I've got most of it left.
The doctor gave the lady a bottle with 300 pills in it.
"How many do I take a day?" she asked.
The doctor said, "You don't take any. You spread them on the floor and pick them up three times a day."
In history’s mysteries vast,
The present’s as strange as the past,
But before you condemn,
Remember—pro tem –
You also are one of the cast.
Tell me Holmes, what is the purpose of laxatives?
Alimentary, my dear Watson.
He: Do you think it will stop raining?
She: It always has.
Two guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin, but at first it didn't sell because nobody wanted a fluffy martini.
My doctor told me there was nothing strange about my condition, except that it was seldom encountered in aperson who was still living.
He: I'll never be able to understand why the biggest shnooks always get the prettiest women.
She: Why, darling--what a sweet compliment.
I like the old songs best, because no one sings them anymore.
My doctor just put me on a new diet. He told me that I could eat anything that I liked, and then he gave me a list of foods that I like.
Life with a cat is in certain ways a one-sided proposition. Cats are not teachable; humans are. And cats know this.
We used to terrorize our baby-sitters when I was little, except for my grandfather because he used to read to us from his will.
My major health problem is something called being mortal.
He: What are you doing at this crowded party?
She: I'm looking for my husband.
He: What's his name?
She: I don't know yet.
My wife and I are making vacation plans. She decides where to go and I decide how to pay for it. We're saving a fortune on our trip to China this year--we're not going.
They say that ex-President Taft
When hit by a golf ball once laughed
And said, “I’m not sore,
But although you cried ‘Fore’
The place where you hit me was aft.”
I was lucky on my trip last summer--they had the highway open while the detour was being fixed.
My grandmother's 90. She's dating. He's 87. It's going great. They never argue. They can't hear each other.
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
Show me a person with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a person who can't put on their pants.
Why was the patient a little pale? He had almost kicked the bucket.
I don't have any trouble parking. I drive a forklift.
When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it.
What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.
Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating. --Jon Stewart
Is it true that a procrastinator is a man with a wait problem?
That inept young lass, Miss Muffet
Had further bad luck with her tuffet:
Some used-tuffet dealers
Decided to steal hers,
And now she must rent one or rough it!
When your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep is your downfall.
Don't fight a cold. That's what makes a cold sore.
How do you get a nice little old lady to swear?
Get another nice little old lady to yell "Bingo!"
I went to a movie and saw a dog seated next to his owner. At the end of the film, the dog applauded. I said to the owner, "Wow, that's really amazing."
"It sure is," he replied, "he hated the book."
When a health food salesman comes to your door, go ahead and vitamin.
My doctor just informed me that I'm as sound as a dollar, but he thinks I'll recover.
Women call me "the strong, silent type." That's because I can't hold my stomach in and talk at the same time.
He: Did I tell you about the time I was face to face with a lion and he kept creeping closer and closer to me?
She: No, what did you do?
He: I calmly moved on to the next cage.
Believe me, a model who weighs 95 pounds doesn't have an easy time of it.
She has to worry about long hours, bright lights, and strong vacuum cleaners.
I can't believe my car repair bill. The smallest thing on it was my phone number.
I took my car in for four new shocks and ended up with five.
My car breaks down so often, I bought the perfect second car. A tow truck.
Last week I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
In New Orleans there lived a young Creole,
Who, when asked if her hair were all reole,
Replied, with a shrug,
“Just give it a tug,
And judge by the way that I squeole.”
My friend and I found three hand grenades buried in my back yard.
I said we should take them to the police station. He said, "What if one of them goes off on the way?"
I said, "We'll tell them we only found two."
I like driving the crowded freeways to work in the morning. It's a chance to see a lot of new hand gestures.
Baseball is easier than golf. In baseball, you hit the ball and someone else chases it. I went to the boxing matches the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
It's a good idea to have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.
My wife loves it when the leaves turn all different colors. Yet she got very upset when the ring I bought her did the same thing.
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I saved this year.
I called a temp agency looking for work and they asked if I had any phone skills.
I said, "I called you, didn't I?"
I've been watching so many videos, last night I had a dream with credits.
The chef at a family restaurant had broken her leg and came into the insurance office to file a disability claim. As the agent scanned the claim form, he did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she had written: "Can't stand to cook."
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
She: What do you do for a living?
He: I remove address labels from envelopes.
She: Oh, you're a mail stripper.
Cloning was invented by a scientist whose parents told him to make something of himself.
You know you're overweight when you drop something and say,
"Do I really need that?"
A certain young chap named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe;
“But,” he said, “I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee
"Does my practicing on the saxophone annoy you?"
"It did when I first heard the neighbors discussing it, but I'm getting so that I don't care what happens to you.'
