one-liners and more...
WARNING:
HUMOR MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR ILLNESS.
Humor is a tonic for the mind and body.
It's an antidote for anxiety and depression.
Humor is also a business asset.
Mr. Fenwood had a cow but no place to pasture her. So he went to see his neighbor, Mr. Potter, and offered to pay Potter twenty dollars a month to keep the cow in potter’s pasture. Potter agreed. Several months went by. The cow was pastured at Mr. Potter’s, but Mr. Fenwood had never given Mr. Potter any money. Finally, Mr. Potter went to see Mr. Fenwood and said, “I know you’ve been struggling financially, so how about if we strike a deal? I’ve had your cow now for ten months, so you owe me $2oo. I figure that’s about what the cow is worth. How about if I just keep the cow and we’ll call it square?”
Fenwood thought for a minute and said, “Keep her one more month and you’ve got a deal!”
A snail was mugged by two turtles. When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
The lookout on a battleship spies a light ahead off the starboard bow. The captain tells him to signal the other vessel, “Advise you change course twenty degrees immediately!”
The answer comes back, “Advise you change course twenty degrees immediately!”
The captain is furious. He signals, “I am a captain. We are on a collision course. Alter your course twenty degrees now!”
The answer comes back, “I am a seaman second class, and I strongly urge you to alter your course twenty degrees.”
Now the captain is beside himself with rage. He signals, “I am a battleship!”
The answer comes back, “I am a lighthouse.”
Apple is working one new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses. But it’s not ready yet, so if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses go outside and look at something.
A new study found that dogs are smarter than cats because their friendliness has helped them develop bigger brains. Cat people would complain about the findings, but that would involve interacting with other humans.
Americans are stranded on a cruise ship for two days and they have to haul in 60,000 pounds of food. Meanwhile, the Chilean miners were underground for 69 days with nothing but a can of tune fish and they were fine.
A man and a woman walked into the best fur shop in Beverly Hills. “Give this lady the best fur coat you have,” said the man. “Nothing is too good for this lady.” The furrier got out the best mink coat he had. The lady loved it.
“It’s $87,000,”states the furrier.
“No problem,” said the man as he pulled out his checkbook and immediately wrote out a check.
“It’s almost closing time on a Saturday,” said the furrier, “You can pick up the coat on
Monday afternoon after the check clears.” The man and woman left. On Monday afternoon the man came back into the store. “You sure have your nerve,” states the furrier, “Your check bounced higher than a kite. It was totally worthless. Why are you here?”
“I just wanted to thank you for the best weekend of my entire life.”
A backward poet writes inverse.
The key to being a good writer is discipline. So every morning I get up at 5am and go straight to my computer and sleep in the chair until 7.
Why did Charlie Brown decide to leave his comic strip?
He was sick and tired of working for Peanuts.
Growing up in my house you could eat off the floor—that’s where my food would
end up. I’d sneak food off my plate and give it to the dog. So would my two brothers.
I wouldn’t say mom was a bad cook, but one year we went through seven dogs.
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. “In English a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, however, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. But there is no language where a double positive can form a negative.”
A student at the back called out: “Yeah, right.”
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon
of math disruption.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrupting co—
MOO!
The old bull’s active days were over, but the kindly farmer permitted him to stay on in the pasture with the cows. The farmer let a new, young bull into the field and the newcomer went to work immediately. Seeing this, the old bull began snorting and pawing the ground. “You’re wasting your time,” said the farmer. “You’re too old for that sort of thing now.”
“I know,” said the bull, “But I can show him I’m not a cow, can’t I?”
Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight up.
A man who was attempting to walk around the world…drowned today.
Owls teach us wisdom and sagacity. And not to put our hands into hollow trees.
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Way down South where the bananas grow
A grasshopper stepped on an elephant’s toe.
The elephant said, with tears in his eyes,
“Pick on somebody your own size.”
If you can’t spot the sucker in the poker game in the first 10 minutes, then it must be you.
The Loch Ness Monster is actually a submarine. Driven by Bigfoot.
It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one exception, is composed of others.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.
I used to play golf with a guy who cheated so badly that he once had a hole in one and wrote down zero on the scorecard.
80 percent of putts that fall short don’t go in.
Dysfunctional Family: A term used by psychologists to describe any household occupied by two or more related individuals.
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
An accident happened to my brother Jim
When somebody threw a tomato at him—
Tomatoes are juicy and don’t hurt the skin,
But this one was specially packed in a tin.
If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet I’d put shoes on my cat.
What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
"Take me to your weeder."
“My husband and I both like the same things,” Mrs. Thompson told a neighbor. “But it took him twelve years to learn.”
“My doctor tells me I can’t play golf.”
“So he’s played with you, too.”
When the donkey saw the zebra
He began to switch his tail;
“Well I never!” said the donkey,
“There’s a mule that’s been to jail.”
I would have given my right arm to have been a pianist.
Where do baby corns come from?
The stalk brings them.
Fur coat: A collection of disemboweled mammal corpses draped around the shoulders of wealthy women and frequently splattered by angry activists in leather sandals.
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
“Knock. Knock.” “Who’s there?”
“Candice.” “Candice who?”
“Candice be the last knock knock joke?”
There was a young lady named Bright,
Who travelled much faster than light,
She started one day
In the relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
Romance Novel: A women’s recurring dream of being abducted while wearing a period costume, generally by a dashing fellow who bears not
the faintest resemblance to her husband.
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.
What takes spring so long to pass?
It’s a long march.
She: Every time I look at you I think of a great man.
He: You flatter me. Who is it?
She: Darwin.
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.” Looking around he noticed the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the
bar. A few sips later the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told him.
“I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me. It’s the peanuts…they’re complimentary.”
“Mommy, I just knocked over the ladder in the garden.”
“Go tell your father.”
“He knows. He’s hanging from the bedroom window.”
Four in the morning my neighbor’s car alarm went off. Scared me so bad I dropped my tools.
What is a digital computer?
Someone who counts on his fingers.
Could I have your phone number?"
The pretty woman said,"It's in the phone book."
"Great, what's your name?"
"Oh, that's in the phone book, too!"
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
There was a composer named Haydn,
The field of sonata would waydn;
He wrote The Creation
Which made a sensation,
And this was the work which he daydn.
What do you have when you don't feel well? You probably have gloves on.
I do aerobic reading. I move my lips as I go down the page.
An elderly woman fills out the registration form at a doctor's office.
After the address the form asks for "Zip." She writes, "Not bad for my age!"
She: My grandfather lived to be ninety-nine and never used glasses.
He: Lots of people would rather drink straight from the bottle.
She: In Florida they use alligators to make shoes.
He: It's amazing what they can get alligators to do!
THRIFT IS A GREAT VIRTUE, ESPECIALLY IN YOUR ANCESTORS.
I moved into a new apartment a couple of months ago.
Do they ask alot for rent?
Four times last month.
My mom studied braille for six months so she could read to the blind.
A lady was scolding a little boy who had just beaten up his brother.
"Why did you kick your little brother in the stomach?" she asked.
"Well, it was his fault," said the little boy. "He turned around."
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her an expensive gift. And I didn't.
A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd;
She was frightened and screamed very loud,
Then a happy thought hit her—
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.
Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
I don't think I like ballet, no matter where I sit, I can't hear a word they're saying.
The cure for love at first sight is to take another look.
Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Billy: You can't fool me. Snakes don't have feet.
Good fishing is just a matter of timing. You have to get there yesterday.
I once was hurt catching a shark. I dislocated my shoulders trying to describe it.
This year, I shot my own Thanksgiving turkey. Everyone at the store hit the floor.
Football confuses me. Each team has a dozen beautiful cheerleaders, but when the team scores, the players hug each other?
She: I've always hated you. I'll dance on your grave.
He: In that case, I'll be buried at sea.
There are enough tragedies in life; we have to have some laughs.
--Steve Allen
"Dad, Kevin's jabbing me in the eye with his joke book."
"Kevin, don't poke fun at your brother!"
We used to play spin-the-bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a quarter. By the time I was fourteen, I owned my own car.
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not fit enough
to do it, it's a long walk home.
The wildest band was The Who
A loud and colorful crew
They played at full pace
Then smashed up the place
And the music was pretty good, too…
I believe in honesty and integrity. Someone asked me what I would do if I found a million dollars in the street. If it belonged to a poor person, I'd give it back.
I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation.
To show you how wild my kids are, my eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
My dad always got frustrated with me. He'd say, "You always ask me questions!
What would've happened if I asked so many questions when I was a kid?"
"We'll, Dad, maybe you'd be able to answer some of mine."
My dad was always strictly business: every year he had her Mother's Day card notarized.
When I was younger, I hated going to weddings. After the wedding and during the reception, my grandmothers and my aunts would come up to me and say "Your next." They finally stopped after I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.
I'm not having any trouble meeting expenses. My wife keeps introducing me to new ones. Last night we had an argument. She doesn't like the way I feel about her.
